Sweet Vanilla
by Meiran Chang
Summary: Gojyo's eleventh birthday. 5 parts. Rewritten and complete. I'll upload a new part weekly. Please R&R and I'll return the favor.
1. Chapter One

SWEET VANILLA 

1

The light of early dawn bled through my eyelids too brightly to ignore, and I rolled out of bed with a jawcracking yawn. As I stretched, aches I wasn't aware I had made themselves known. I winced. My right side really hurt.

My heart sank as I remembered why. Barefoot, I padded out of my room and down the narrow hallway to the bathroom.

Yeah, I remembered. Mother again. Tears running down her cheeks, the tears that broke my heart to see as she shrieked at the top of her lungs. I cried, too, struggling to free myself from the claws that bit my skin. Jien heard me screaming and pried her away from me.

Just another night in the Sha household.

I pushed the door to the bathroom open lightly. It creaked, and I cringed. If I woke Mother up, she'd kill me. Not that she needed the excuse. I slipped inside and shut the door behind me.

The bathroom looked like shit. Cracks zigzagged through the plaster walls, the bathtub was a sickly yellow, and several spiders had made their homes in the dirt-encrusted corners of the room. The floor tiles were sticky. Pale pink light drifted through the dirty glazed window.

Maybe I'd clean the place today. Jien was working today,and Mother was, well, indisposed. I knew that volunteering to tidy things up wouldn't make a damn bit of difference to her, but I kept trying, hoping. Yeah, dumb. I know.

I reached out and turned the sink's cold water knob. Clear, sparkling water dripped out of the rusty faucet. I splashed the icy water on my face, trying not to meet my own gaze in the mirror.

Mother was right when she called me ugly. Me with my crimson eyes and hair, marked as the dirty, half-breed, forbidden child I was. Me and my stupid face that pained my mother every time she had to look at me. Maybe I looked too much like my dad. Hell if I knew. He wasn't around, and it wasn't like Mother was talking.

I grabbed my towel, a former dishrag, and scrubbed my face dry. My long hair got in my eyes, and I scowled. I wanted to cut the whole mess off completely, shave my head bald, but Jien was apalled by the idea.

"Your hair is beautiful," Jien had told me firmly.

"Mother doesn't think so." I'd been glum that night.

"Mother can't look past _what_ you are to see _who_ you are. Shave that gorgeous hair of yours off and I'll dump you in a Gojyo-sized bucket of plaster, you hear me?" Then he had to go and noogie me and I faked like I was gonna bite him and he made me laugh. My brother was a real good guy.

I hung my towel on its little wooden bar. Maybe I'd go help him at work today or something. He said I was awfully strong for a kid my age, swore I'd grow into that strength some day. Me, I wasn't so sure.

I was startled when I walked into the kitchen to see the back of Mother's faded nightgown hunched over the stove. "Good morning, Mother," I said hopefully, sitting at the kitchen table. Had she really gotten up to make breakfast for me? I didn't understand her. Sometimes, rarely, she'd do things like this, make me a meal or buy me a new shirt and I'd raise my eyes to her face only to flinch away at her face when she looked at me...

She didn't answer, and I wilted into my seat. A few awkward moments passed before she slapped some mushy scrambled eggs and charred toast at me. This was definitely an improvement over being shouted at to die, though, and the silence was the best it had been between us in months.

"Where's Jien?" she growled suddenly, her back to me again as she washed last night's dirty dishes.

I twitched with surprise. "He's working in the village, Mother."

She grunted. Our silence stretched between us like a strained rubber band. I looked down at my plate. The sunlight turned the mushy goop into something molten. For a moment I had a flash of bright gold eyes, fierce and laughing... I blinked and the vision was gone.

"The bathroom needs cleaning," Mother rasped, startling me again.

"I'll clean it," I volunteered as soon as I realized that she was talking to me and not the air. She did that sometimes.

Another pause. "The parlor is a mess."

From last night. I swallowed. "I'll clean it, Mother --"

Stillness fell over her body like a blanket, and she turned, and she smiled at me.

Not with love. No. This smile was just for me, this trembling smile on the knife-edge of sanity. I felt like a cloak had been thrown over my head and drawn tight, too tight for me to breathe. I was acutely aware that Jien wasn't here.

"I'm sorry," I cried. My voice sounded sharp and high in the air. She stepped towards me, her arms wet to the elbows with dishwater and soap, and I pushed my chair back, heart beating so hard it shook my entire body. It was too early for this. I was tired and I hurt all over and I was trying so hard to be _good_ --

"Sorry?" The word sounded torn from her throat and her lips twitched, smile flickering madly. Her lips split open in a scream: "You're _sorry_?"

I tried to speak but choked. Instead I shot out of my chair and looked around wildly. I couldn't run, that would just make her angrier and when she caught me like she always did she'd go for my neck again and gods above, I should just let her. This time I should just...

She slammed the table out of her way with one hard, muscular arm. The terrible crashing noise, the way the birds suddenly fell quiet, frightened tears out of me. I ignored my whimpers and stumbled backwards until the wall pressed cold against my back. Her shadow engulfed me as she moved closer.

Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of the scrambled eggs, a mess of gold with shards of the plate stuck in it.

"You can never be sorry enough," she choked out. She began to cry. She still had a pan in her hand, I suddenly realized. The pan dripped with soap.

"Please..." But my voice was a whisper and I cried because I was afraid and because my mother was crying and it was all my fault. She swung at me with the pan and I threw my arms up over my head before I knew what I was doing. She grabbed my hair as I tried to move away from another strike and beat me, weeping, as I went limp and stupid with the pain.

"Today was the day your father brought you here," she sobbed, hiccupping. The pan slid out of her grip and clattered to the floor. She released me roughly, her face ravaged and trembling as she stared at me. "He brought you here without any _shame_, the bastard, he told me to take care of you, take care, the baby's new, he said, and he was crying because his human bitch had died. And you looked up at me with your wretched crimson eyes and I hated you, you ugly filthy child, I hate you!" Her voice cracked as it spiraled into a shriek. "I wish you were _dead_! Why won't you _die_!"

I vaguely registered blood as I cradled my arm. The room was spinning in and out of reality, the edges of my vision going black. Abruptly she took hold of my chin and jerked it up with damp hands, her claws pressing painfully into my skin. The blackness receded as I stared straight into the eyes of the only person I could call mother, and the hate in those eyes was too much for me to bear. I dropped my gaze as she spat, "Today's the day you were born, Gojyo. You're eleven years old." She laughed harshly as the tears glittered on her face. "Happy birthday, you son of a bitch."

She let go of my face as though it burned her. "Clean up this mess," she snarled. She backhanded me until I managed to nod and then she left the room, lurching as if drunk. Maybe she was.

"I would have cleaned it anyway," I told the empty air. I blinked and drew breath. With breath came pain that sent me to my knees, and I started crying again, helplessly, as the room spun silent and gold around me. I didn't know what to do anymore. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't take it, I, I...

I loved my mother. So I wiped the tears from my eyes and got to work.

I left the house as soon as I finished cleaning the kitchen and headed towards the village. I liked hanging around the village because Mother wasn't there and Jien usually was. I always felt like the townfolk were staring at me, but Jien scoffed when I said so and told me I was just imagining it. Evidently, though I'd never seen one, there were some redheaded humans. His friend Raiden made a face and said the color was more orange than red, and Jien gave him a dirty look. I asked about red eyes, and the dirty look turned to me.

Jien worked as muscle for a local timber business, but I couldn't remember which. I stopped in the middle of the village square, embarassed as I realized I honestly didn't know where he was. And people were looking at me, some even stopping to stare, which made me want to crawl into a hole. People always had to stare at my stupid red hair and my stupid red eyes. Belatedly I recalled that I was also beaten bloody, which didn't make me feel any less self-conscious. I started walking again. What the hell else was I supposed to do?

As I walked, cradling my arm and trying not to show how much it hurt, I glanced at the people around me. Little human kids with big bright eyes bounced up and down besides their parents and begged for candy and toys. Couples walked hand in hand, gazing gooey-eyed at each other. A teenage girl tugged on her white dog's leash, laughing. The love that held them together was the love I didn't deserve to even witness, and I felt empty and hungry even though the last thing I wanted was breakfast. I felt like crying again.

I wanted Jien. I kept my head down as I walked, blind with pain and yearning. I just wanted someone to take care of me, to look at me as if I was worth something, to see _me_ and not a taboo or a betrayal. I scanned the villagers anxiously: nothing, so I kept walking, tears stinging my eyes.

When a warm hand grasped me by the shoulder and a hearty voice greeted, "Gojyo-babe!" I damn near went into cardiac arrest. I whirled around, my good fist halfway to the intruder's face, before I recognized him. "Seiya?"

Jien's friend tossed shaggy blue bangs out of his eyes and grinned. His fangs sparkled in the sunlight. "The one and only, kid. Whatcha doin' in the village?" His grin faded as he looked me over. "Damn, the fuck happened to you?"

"Nothing. Where's Jien?"

Seiya shrugged. "Hangin' with Tonda and Raiden back at the clearing we're working today."

My face fell. I didn't want to walk anymore, but I reckoned there wasn't really a choice. "You guys are on break?"

"Yeah, half-hour."

"Can you take me to him?" My voice was small, and I wanted to kick myself.

Seiya looked at me intensely. I shifted from foot to foot under his shrewd brown stare. "Yeah, sure, kid. My pleasure."


	2. Chapter Two

SWEET VANILLA

2

I heard Jien's booming laughter first, filling the air. The sound cheered me, and I ran -- well, hobbled -- towards him, Seiya ambling behind me. "Jien!" I called. "Jien!"

I broke into the clearing just as he turned around. He'd been in the middle of a conversation with Raiden and Tando, but the laughter faded from his strong features as he caught sight of me. "Gojyo?" He glanced at Seiya, who had his hands shoved in his pockets. "What the hell?"

Seiya shrugged. "Ask him, he wouldn't tell me shit."

I gnawed on my lower lip, shifting from foot to aching foot. "Jien…"

"Come here. Come to the side." He came to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and steered me to a log at the edge of the clearing. His friends made as if to move with him, but Jien waved them away impatiently, and they settled to talking among themselves in low worried tones with frequent looks our way.

We sat. He gently took hold of my face and turned it from side to side, inspecting the bruises. "Gojyo, gods, what the hell _happened _to you?"

"Mother," I sighed. "She, um, said it was my birthday today." I wiped at my eyes with my good hand. Damnit, I was not going to cry in front of the guys. "I guess this is her idea of a present."

His eyes widened, and his jaw fell in dismay. "Oh, fuck," he swore. "I can't believe I forgot. I shouldn't have left you alone in the house with her. This is my fault, gods _damn _it all! I'm so sorry, Gojyo."

I looked up at him. His handsome face was twisted in pain. For a moment he looked like Mother, and I felt my heart stop. "It's not your fault," I managed. "It's mine."

"Don't be an ass," he snapped. I winced at his tone, still feeling raw, and he softened. "You didn't do anything wrong, kid. You couldn't help being born."

I looked down at the dark earth below me. Some straggly grass pushed through the dirt, and I could see a small ant climbing over a small pebble. "Jien," I said without looking at him, "I think my arm's broken."

He sucked in his breath. "Shit."

"I know," I agreed. The ant blurred in my vision. "And I hurt all over."

"You look like hell." Jien hunched. "She really worked you over this time, huh."

It wasn't a question. "Yeah." My shoulders slumped.

"Give me your arm." I let him inspect it, wincing. The arm looked disgusting, all bloodied and swollen. He prodded it carefully, and when I couldn't hold my breath anymore, I made a strangled noise of pain. "Shit, Gojyo, this looks bad."

"I know."

"I'm taking you to the doctor," he decided, getting to his feet as he absently brushed the dirt from the seat of his pants. "I can't set that thing. I'll just make it worse."

I got up too, though I felt dizzy doing it. Jien noted my brief loss of balance and grabbed my good arm to settle me. "So then--"

"I'll take you to the overseer with me," he cut in. "This is a family emergency. You need me."

"Yo, Jien, is Gojyo all right?" Raiden shouted from the other side of the clearing. The concern on his fierce face surprised me.

"He will be if I've got anything to say about it," Jien growled.

"Hang tight, punk," Tando called to me as Jien and I left the clearing.

The overseer was in a trailer with the word "MANAGEMENT" written in bold kanji on the top of the door. Jien pushed the door open, his face set, and motioned me to come in after him. I shut the door behind me and looked at Jien's boss.

He was a dark-skinned human, middle-aged but well-muscled. A scar ran from his right eye to the left side of his jaw. He had a long crooked nose that looked like it'd been broken at least twice. His eyes were the color of good earth, and his lips were thin. "Jien? What the hell? You're supposed to be working." He glanced at me. "And who's the little guy?"

"Eguchi-san, this is Gojyo, my younger brother," Jien said formally. "Gojyo, this is Eguchi-san."

I nodded cautiously at him. Eguchi-san smiled, surprising me. He didn't look like the kind who smiled a lot, and it lightened the harshness of his face. "Hi, kid." I offered a small smile in return.

Jien dove right in to the issue at hand in his usual forthright style. "Eguchi-san, I need permission to take the rest of the day off."

Eguchi-san's smile disappeared. "Why?"

Jien gestured at me. "Gojyo's hurt, boss. He needs a doctor."

"What'd you do, kid, get in a fight?" Eguchi-san directed the question at me.

I looked at him, startled by his address. "Kind of," I temporized.

"Good for a boy to fight. Strengthens the body, you know." He was looking at me intensely.

I wasn't sure what to say and settled for a "Yeah." I didn't think Jien wanted me mouthing off to his boss.

Eguchi-san sighed and leaned back in his chair. "We got a lot of work to do today, Jien. Your brother's real cute, but I can't just let you run off."

"I'm not going to be running off, boss," Jien said stoutly. "I'm not joking. You know I'm not. Seiya maybe, but…" He trailed off and shrugged. "His arm's broken bad and I'm afraid to touch it. I want to take him to Dr. Niizuma."

Eguchi-san looked at me again and his lips twisted unhappily. "My son Shiji's his age. Gets into fights all the time. That's not the look of a boy who's just fought, Jien, so don't bullshit me. What really happened?"

"Please, Eguchi-san," Jien said with quiet dignity. "This is a private family emergency and I need to take care of my brother."

"Private family emergency, huh."

"Yeah."

Jien wasn't backing down, even beneath the force of Eguchi-san's shrewd look. After a long pause, Eguchi-san shook his head. "You only get one of these, Jien. Go help your brother."

"Thanks, Eguchi-san." A grin broke out on Jien's face like dawn. "I'll work hard when I'm back."

"Yeah, yeah." Eguchi-san waved him off. "Next time, though, don't bring the kid." He chuckled wryly. "With those sweet eyes, he could get away with murder."

Dr. Niizuma was a capable man, his eyes full of efficient kindness that made me feel safe. He set my arm and I managed not to scream while he did it. Then he put my arm in a cast. And then he put in a sling. I wanted to ask if that was overkill, but my arm was too busy making sure I knew it was there for me to make a wisecrack.

He took care of my face, too, putting a weird burning ointment on it. Over the deepest cuts, he put squares of gauze, making sure they'd stay with brown medical tape. I had bruises all down my right side, and he winced as he looked at them.

"Got beat up bad, huh, Gojyo?"

"Yep."

He pressed his fingers down the side of my body, and I shut my eyes and sucked in my breath as he hit more than one painful spot. Dr. Niizuma looked startled, then sat back a little, looking at me critically. "Gojyo, I think you've got at least one broken rib there."

"Really?" Well, shit.

"When did you get hurt?"

Last night flashed through my mind. I swallowed hard. "Yesterday."

He raised his eyebrows and glanced at Jien, who'd watched the proceedings with a stone face. Jien did not volunteer any information. "Ah," said the doctor. I was glad he didn't comment further; he just continued his inspection. "Lots of old injuries," he murmured to himself. "You must get in lots of fights, Gojyo."

"Uh, yeah," I said, relieved that he'd given me an easy out.

The doctor looked over my head to Jien, who sat still and attentive, his earthy grubbiness out of place in the clean clinical setting. "Sha-san, these bruises go to the bone." He took out a roll of bandages and started wrapping them around my lower torso. I winced, but it wasn't as bad as getting my arm set, so I kept my mouth shut. "Don't let Gojyo do any heavy work for a while. Make sure he doesn't run anywhere, it'll aggravate his rib and jar his arm."

Jien nodded understanding. The doctor finished bandaging me and sat back down with a sigh. He glanced at Jien. "I know your mother, you know."

Surprise flickered on Jien's face before he managed to shut it down. "What of it?" he said gruffly.

The doctor looked surprised. "Nothing, Sha-san. She just didn't mention she had two sons."

I looked down at the clean tiled floor and tried not to let my sadness show on my face.

Jien shrugged. "It doesn't matter." He dug his wallet out of his jeans and snapped it open, then glanced at the doctor. "How much do I owe you?"

"You can pay me in credit, Sha-san," the doctor said graciously. "Later, whenever you're able."

Jien's square jaw set. "How much do I owe you, Dr. Niizuma?"

Dr. Niizuma named the amount. I was sure the actual fee for his services was much higher, but Jien paid him without another word.

"Bring him for check-ups every week till I give you the clear," the doctor called as Jien and I left the room.

"Sure," Jien said. He closed the door of the doctor's office and we left the small building. Sunlight poured down, and we stood together in silence for a moment, watching the villagers pass us cheerfully by.

Jien glanced down at me and broke the silence by asking, "Hey, Gojyo, you wanna get some ice cream or something?"

I felt my face light up. I loved ice cream, though I'd only had it a few times. "Sure! Can I have vanilla?"


	3. Chapter Three

SWEET VANILLA

3

It was a hot day. The ice cream parlor, checkerboard-tiled and air-conditioned, had a steady stream of customers. I waited happily as Jien ordered an entire bowl of vanilla ice cream for me, and a cone of pistachio mint with chocolate sprinkles for himself.

I wrinkled my nose as he rattled off his order. "That's really gross, Jien."

"Don't knock it if you ain't tried it," Jien retorted amiably.

The girl behind the counter dimpled as she presented me with my bowl, and I grinned back. "Enjoy!" she chirped, handing Jien his cone.

"Thanks," replied Jien with a wink. She blushed.

He found us a table for two near a huge glass window that overlooked the busy, dusty streets outside. I dug into my ice cream with gusto, rolling it around on my tongue before swallowing so the flavor would last longer. "This is great, Jien!"

He smiled. "Glad you like it." Then he bit into his cone.

"Jien, you're gonna get a brain freeze," I pointed out as I scooped another spoon of ice cream.

"That's the point." A funny expression crossed his face for a moment as the brain freeze hit him, and I laughed. Served him right for being greedy.

We ate quietly for a little bit. I was eating a lot slower than I usually would. I had perfected the habit of eating quickly before my food was taken from me, but it was great being able to slow down. "Is today really my birthday?" I asked Jien after swallowing another spoonful.

He nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about forgetting it, little bro." He sighed. "I should have taken you with me so you wouldn't be in the house with her. That was so fucking stupid of me."

I shrugged, carefully. "S'okay."

The silence was peaceful, and my mind wandered as I sucked my spoon. It was my birthday, so I felt thoughtful. I never knew the two people most directly responsible for my existence, my mother and my father. Were they as bad as I was? Was my birth mother a whore, like Mother said she was? What about Father? Who had my parents been, really?

Well, sitting across from me working on his pistachio mint cone was the perfect person to ask. "Jien, what were my parents like?"

He'd been gazing out the window watching a tall girl swish past, but he glanced at me without looking annoyed, making a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat. "Well, I only met your mother a few times, and I was kinda young, but she was -- whoa. Just whoa." He tilted his chair back. "Her name was Kazusa. Amazing lady."

"You really met her?"

Jien nodded. "Yeah." A fond half-smile quirked his lips. "Dad liked showing me off."

"What was she like? Was she ugly, like Mom says?" I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my voice.

Jien snorted. "Hell no. Mom's bitter. I'll say this for the old man -- he had good taste. Kazusa looked like a princess from a human fairy tale. Big blue eyes and sun-yellow hair down to here." He gestured to his waist. "And as smart as she was pretty. Lotta pride. You disrespected her and she would beat your ass, youkai or not. She had a good sense of humor." He sniffed and scratched his nose. "She was always nice to me, even though I was the competition's son. Your mom was no whore, kid. She was a brave and beautiful lady."

I flushed proudly. "What about Father?" I persisted. "What was his name?"

"Tsuneji," Jien answered, placing the four legs of the chair back on the floor again with a loud thump that made the other customers eye us with disfavor. "He was a flake. I mean, I guess he was handsome, since he had a lot of lady friends, but he had the self-control of a teenager and no responsibility. I'm pretty sure I was a mistake, though I bet Mom was thrilled to have a hold on him."

"Who did he love more?" I asked, wide-eyed. "My mom or yours?"

Jien raised his eyebrows. "You don't bother with the easy questions, huh."

"You make weirder faces when I ask hard ones." I poked my nearly-forgotten spoon into my ice cream and licked it clean while Jien considered.

"He loved them both, man," Jien said with the customary fairness everyone knew and liked him for. He added in a lower voice, "But I think he loved Kazusa more. Mom kept bugging him to choose between her and Kazusa, and I think he'd made his choice. Then Kazusa died…"

"What killed her?"

"Uh." Jien looked uncomfortable. "Labor."

My mother had died giving birth to me? What a waste of a brave and beautiful lady... "So what happened after... after my mother died?"

Jien looked relieved that I hadn't gone into my shell on him. "Dad showed up at the door with a bundle in his arms. It was raining, so he was soaking wet, but he kept the bundle dry. He handed it to Mom and told her that she was holding Kazusa's son, that she had to take care of the baby, for his sake, 'cause he was leaving. She started howling at him, and he just looked at her with tears running down his face and said he had to leave. Last thing I remember him saying is 'if you ever loved me, take care of the baby.' Then it was out of the door and out of your life. Out of mine." The last bit sounded bitter, and I realized that while I had never known my father, Jien had seen him turn tail and run.

"Do you know why he left?" I questioned.

Jien shook his head. "No clue. I guess he just couldn't handle Kazusa's death."

I thought about that for a moment and was glad that I had a big bowl of ice cream. "Am I like them, Jien?"

He looked me over. "Sure you are," he said. A bit of ice cream sat like a little green hat on the tip of his nose. "I mean... you got Dad's smile. And charm. Kazusa's big eyes, though, and her smarts. Thank the gods." He gnawed on his edible cone and daubed his nose with a napkin. "Kazusa's badassery, both of their good looks -- I definitely got shorted.".

I was bright red and beaming. "Thanks," I stammered.

He shrugged dismissively, but he was smiling, and I knew he'd caught my mood .

I swallowed my ice cream and took another spoonful. "So when did you first see me?"

"Oh, I took you away from Mom the second she started carrying on. I was a little younger than you are now. You were crying pretty hard -- you know how babies get when adults are upset."

"I must have looked disgusting," I commented, making a face. "And wrinkly. Babies look like aliens."

"Yeah, well, you cleaned up real nice once I calmed you down." He smiled. "Big ol' ruby eyes and soft red hair. You were a real pretty baby, Gojyo."

I deeply doubted it, but let him get away with saying so. It did make me feel warm to hear. "Who named me?"

"Me." Jien shrugged. "Mom was too busy having hysterics, Dad wasn't around and he'd forgotten to mention if you even had a name. Gojyo was the first thing I could think of, so there you were, bro. Sorry if you don't like it."

"It's fine." I poked at my ice cream with my spoon. "Um, sorry if all my questions are annoying."

Jien waved his hand dismissively in a "don't mention it" gesture.

"I just always figured I was a foundling or something," I admitted, looking at Jien sheepishly.

He raised a thick eyebrow. "Don't be a moron," he said firmly. "You're my little brother, and don't you ever forget it." He grinned. "Tough little punk like you's gotta be related to me somehow."

I smiled but didn't reply. I was almost done with my ice cream, and I ate extra-slowly. It tasted so sweet on my tongue. I wanted to hold time at this moment forever.


	4. Chapter Four

SWEET VANILLA

4

Jien did spend the rest of the day with me, as it happened. We found his friends in the village square late that afternoon, their work for the day over. Jien hailed them with a loud, "Hey-ho, boys!" and strode towards them.

Kazuei turned around first, his narrow face split by a surprisingly broad grin, raising a hand in greeting. "Jien!" He saw me and his eyebrows shot up, impressed. He hadn't been at the clearing earlier. "Damn, Jien, who'd your kid brother murder?"

"Gojyo-babe!" Seiya called, bouncing up from his seat on the edge of the fountain. "How you feelin'?"

"This is nothin', guys," I laughed as we approached, gesturing with my good arm at my thoroughly bandaged body. I could feel the grin on my face, twin to Kazuei's. Jien's friends always made me feel better. I could only hope to be half as good and strong as they were, some day. "I don't feel it at all!"

"Sheee-it," Raiden whistled as we joined them. "Hear that, Jien? Your bro's so tough I bet he could drive nails with his pinky."

"Damn straight," Jien snorted. He ruffled my hair, and I made a face at him.

"Quit it, Jien."

"Better pay attention to him," Tando advised. "The punk'll scratch you to death. Bite your ankles clean through."

The conversation drifted around as easily as we did. Seiya's sister had just had a baby. Raiden's girlfriend was wailing on him for smoking. Tando'd just returned from a trip to a nearby town. Jien told aggrieved tales about working part-time at the local restaurant. And Kazuei…

"I got a kickass weapon at the Weaponmaster's," he bragged. "It's this long metal staff with blades at both ends. At one end there's a half-moon blade, and at the other is a wide flat blade. Molecular sharpness, gentlemen." His hands flowed in the air as he demonstrated. "The Weaponmaster said humans can't use it all."

Raiden glared at him with friendly resentment. Tando just laughed. "Neither can idiot youkai," he pointed out. "You give yourself a paper cut every time you get your paycheck."

"My ass! You just don't recognize talent when you see it."

"Well, you sound awfully sure of yourself. Let's see this weapon of yours," Raiden grumped.

Kazuei grinned like -- well -- a demon, and out of nowhere, it seemed, he produced the weapon.

In the molten sunlight it sparkled. The blades on both ends seemed surrounded by a soft haze, as if the air really had been split by their sharpness. Kazuei held the weapon like he knew how to use it. "It extends," he explained to his fascinated audience. "The blades shoot out if you nudge them with your power. The staff is hollow inside and the blades are connected by chain links."

"That sounds difficult," Jien said judiciously. " I can't believe the Weaponmaster let a clown like you walk out of the shop with it."

Kazuei twirled the weapon languidly, getting a dirty look from Seiya, who had to dodge what would have chopped off half his neck and the shaggy blue hair that was his pride. "Shit, Jien, I know how to handle this baby. It's hard at first, but once you know how to use it, it flows, it's magic, it's music, it's nothing at all."

"Such a poet," Seiya caroled.

"It doesn't sound hard at all," I scoffed. "You're just hamming it up because it's cool-looking."

"Yeah, punk?" Kazuei grinned and shoved the weapon at me. "Have a go."

"Gojyo," Jien said warningly, and I knew he was telling me not to aggravate my injuries.

"I'm fine," I said testily. "I'm not gonna break in half just grabbing the thing." Damn my stupid arm and my stupid paper ribs. I grabbed the weapon.

And staggered. The thing weighed a ton! Jien moved towards me as if to support me, and I scowled at him. He stopped, but he didn't look happy about it.

"Heavy?" Kazuei smirked.

"Considering I got a broken arm, I think I'm doing pretty well," I shot back.

He laughed and nodded in acknowledgment. Holding the weapon up was a strain, especially with just one arm, but I wasn't just gonna drop it. I roused my weak power in a rush that pinched my breath, and the half-moon blade shot out with a strength that knocked me onto the ground, hard. Raiden whirled to the side just in the nick of time. Tonda burst out laughing at the look of cross-eyed surprise on his face.

"Kid, you all right?" Kazuei knelt beside me on one side. I glanced to my other side, where Jien hovered.

"I'm fine," I said loudly. Actually, my side was aching and my arm hurt like my bones were made of shattered glass, but this was too cool. I grinned. "Kazuei, this is the most awesome thing I've ever seen!"

"It's my baby," Kazuei crooned. He winked at me. "Glad ya like it. You know I'd just break into tears if you disapproved."

"I know," I assured him. Seiya snickered.

Kazuei reached his hand out. "Much as I love to see you stumble around with it, you're gonna kill someone if you keep shooting those blades out without warning. Give it here, kid."

My face fell. "Aww, can't I mess around with it a little longer?"

"I think 'mess' best describes the probable results of keeping that weapon in your hands any longer," Tonda said primly.

"I think 'mess' best describes what you must see in the mirror every morning," I grumbled as I handed Kazuei his weapon back.

Raiden and Seiya laughed, and Raiden poked Tonda. "Hear that?" Raiden snickered.

Tonda just raised an eyebrow and gazed at me coolly. "And with that long hair of yours, the edge you have over me is what?"

Jien took my good arm and helped me up while I stared at Tonda, wide-eyed. He'd mentioned my hair and he just said it was long. That was it. Nothing about the half-breed mark.

Seiya waved his fingers in front of my face. "Yo? Gojyo-babe? Tonda's not that hot."

I bared my teeth at his fingers. "Get your hand out of my face or I'll do it for you."

"Seiya doesn't think I'm hot," Tonda wailed in a pouting falsetto. "Raiden! Defend my honor!"

"You have none."

"You suck balls, man." Tonda crossed his arms and pretended to sulk.

Raiden opened his mouth, and Seiya cut him off. "Don't do it, Raiden," he advised. "It's too easy."

Tonda mock-glared at Seiya. "That was the point. Gods know Raiden's wit needs sharpening."

Jien tried hard to keep a straight face. "Not in front of _Gojyo_, guys."

"I understand everything you're saying," I let Jien know. Of course, I didn't really.

Seiya whooped. "Corruption!"

Kazuei laughed. "Well, boys, I hate to say it, but I gotta head home. I'm starving."

"You're always starving," Raiden informed him. "It's a miracle you're not dead yet."

"No miracle." Kazuei thumped his chest. "I'm just one tough sunuvabitch."

"When I'm fully healed, I'm gonna learn how to use that weapon," I told Kazuei, staring straight up into his pale gray eyes. "And next to me, you're gonna look like somebody's grandma."

"I'm terrified already, bucko." Kazuei grinned. "Looking forward to it."

"You'll sure look amusing tangled up in the chains," Seiya mused.

"Bite me," I retorted. "No, don't. I'll get rabies."

Kazuei waved. "So long, gentlemen."

Eventually, Seiya, Raiden and Tonda drifted off as well. Seiya had to babysit, Raiden's girlfriend was a battle-axe according to all reports and would fry his ass if he were late, and Tonda, well, who knew about Tonda.

Jien and I headed back into the village. The late afternoon was dissolving into evening, and though the accord was unspoken, we knew that neither of us wanted to head back to Mother's house. Though I definitely preferred the village to the enclosed hell of Mother's four walls, I always felt self-conscious walking through crowds of people. And I always got stares. Always.

The curious gazes burned my skin. I heard a little girl's high voice pipe up behind me, "Ma, what happened to him? Is he on fire?" The mother shushed her.

That triggered a landslide of memories. My head echoed with remembered comments, less innocent than that of an ignorant little girl. A boy a bit older than me had scoffed, "Shit, what kinda guy wears his hair like that? Oh, it's a taboo kid, forget I asked." A woman had gasped, "Maki, look at that little kid's eyes! Do they look red to you?" An old guy surrounded by a posse of other old guys had grunted in explanation to a muffled inquiry, "Red hair and eyes -- yeah, halfbreed little shit. Don't know what it's doing in _our_ village." An older woman had advised her daughter: "Don't join up with the youkai, dear, or your child will be marked just like that." She had pointed her knobby finger at me without shame.

I felt mortified and humiliated and so self-conscious that every cell in my body ached, and I shuffled along hoping to become invisible.

Out of nowhere, Jien stopped short. "Man, Gojyo," he said, sounding exasperated, "would you quit doing that?"

I looked up at him through my hair. "What?"

"That." He sighed, reached out, and tucked my hair behind my ear. "Your hair is your hair. Not a curtain, for the gods' sake, and not a veil. Don't you hang your head. You got nothing to be ashamed of."

I gave him a Look and wordlessly held up a hank of my hair for him to inspect. A girl a little bit older than me looked at us curiously, and I bitterly hoped she could see my hair as perfectly as she probably wanted to, gossipy bitch. The waning sunlight bathed the world in crimson and gold.

He made an impatient sound. "So you're half and half. So what? Kazuei looks like he's half octopus, half vampire bat when he's in full youkai form. No one cares. No one I know holds what you are against you."

"I know someone you know who holds it against me."

Jien's face softened as he looked at me, and he crouched down to be at eye level with me. "You'll hold your head up with pride yet, Gojyo," he said softly. "You don't realize it 'cause of Mom's damn brainwashing, but really, you're a great kid. The guys think you're the coolest little man they ever met, and they're not big fans of kids. But you, you're something else. You've always been special, you hear me?" He took some of my hair in one hand and tugged it gently. "Everyone who's not a fucking deranged psycho sees how beautiful you are. You're my punk kid brother, okay? Keep that in mind."

"Jien…"

He let go of my hair, patting it back in place, smoothing it down. Then he stood. "I know what'll help you out."


	5. Chapter Five

SWEET VANILLA

5

My hair was now tied back from my face with a twilight-blue length of cloth. Only a few stray locks of crimson hair swung free. I felt insecure without all that long hair hanging down in front of my face, but Jien assured me that any change was an improvement. He kept his arm around my shoulders, and I didn't feel so lonely anymore.

The sunset was over. The sky was a darkening shade of violet, and Jien and I had no more excuse to hang around in the village. We took the long route to Mother's house.

It was like I could feel the negative energy from Mother's house, even all the way out here. With every step, I felt worse. My good mood slowly crumbled away and my steps got shorter and shorter until I was barely moving. I kept my eyes down on the road and on the grass by the side of the road. I looked anywhere but ahead of me.

Jien released me, wanting to get to the house quickly to forestall one of Mother's apocalyptic temper tantrums, and with his long strides he was soon several meters ahead of me. I felt tears well in my eyes, the tears I'd struggled so hard to hold back early in the day returning with a vengeance. I didn't want to go to Mother's house. I didn't want the day to end. I didn't want… I didn't want…

My eyes burned, and I felt a hot tear slide down my cheek and hit the road. Once I'd started, I couldn't stop. And I couldn't be quiet. I could hear myself sobbing and thought I'd die of shame, and finally I just stopped moving. My vision was too blurred to continue. More than ever I wanted my hair to block my sight.

Jien turned around, and I could see his face fall for a split second before he hid it and returned down the path to me. I couldn't hide the desolation in my face, so I didn't try, but I wiped away the tears, as fast as they came.

I knew my tears hurt Jien. I knew it, and I felt awful because of it, but I couldn't help it. He'd tried so hard to make me happy today. I felt heavy, weighted down. He had made me happy, but I'd had to forget myself to achieve that joy. With every labored step, I felt my arm complain as it hadn't in the company of Jien's friends, felt my side hurt as it hadn't while I was occupied with eating my ice cream. I remembered who and what I was, and the knowledge was crushing me.

"Gojyo, what's the matter?" I was aware that Jien had crouched down a bit so he could see my eyes, as I was looking fixedly at the ground, still and tense in my misery.

I was silent for a long moment, my fists clenching and unclenching, tears sliding down my nose to paint the dirt. "Why doesn't Mother love me, Jien?" I choked out, so tense I was trembling. "I'm sorry for whatever I did. I'm sorry. I can't tell her it enough and she doesn't believe me and she won't listen to me and I know it's all my fault." I sounded pathetic. "I'd fix it if I knew how," I whimpered, feeling sick. "I try really hard, Jien."

"I know you do, Gojyo. I see it. Shhh." He sat down on the side of the road in the grass and gathered me in his lap, careful not to jostle my arm. "I know," he murmured. "I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry."

I started sobbing, my face pressed into the worn fabric of his shirt. He stroked my hair and held me as I tried to understand why the only mother I had ever known wanted me dead. Was I really that bad a person? Was I as terrible as she told me? Did I deserve to die? My soul cried out, yes, yes, it's all true! I clung to Jien like I'd cling to a rock in the middle of a hurricane. I don't want to die, I tried to say. I don't want to die. I was crying so hard I had trouble breathing, sucking in breaths whenever my wracking sobs gave me a chance. I know I'm bad. I'm sorry. I'm scared. I don't want to die.

My breathless sobs wore me out, and when I was too weary to cry any more, I pulled back and wiped away my tears. Jien's shirt was soaked.

"You feel better?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered dully, but he knew I was lying.

We got moving again. I dreaded going back to Mother's house, but I knew it was inevitable when I saw the dark, untidy smudge the ugly abode made on the delicate horizon. At the door, Jien stopped. "Gojyo," he began, "when we go in, I want you to go to your room. Lock the door and stay in your bed. Try to go to sleep if you can."

I nodded. He looked at me and a helpless desperation flashed over his face, but he pushed open the door and called, "Mother, I'm home."

"Jien!" she cried happily.

I slipped off to my room as Jien greeted her with a hug, knowing I would only poison her happiness if she saw me. As Jien had ordered me, I locked my door and climbed into my bed, pulling the thin scratchy sheets over my legs and huddling back into the corner. My room was the size of a closet and the walls were unpainted, cracked plaster.

Mother wasn't one for aesthetics.

Feeling cold as I always did in this house, I clutched the blankets to myself tightly when I heard Jien say, "Mother, what did you do to Gojyo this morning?"

"Why do you have to bring him up?" Mother complained. "You always bring the brat up. You never ask about me anymore."

"I had to bring him to the doctor today, Mother. His right side was covered in bruises, he's got broken ribs, and his arm's got a real nasty break." He sounded exasperated. "Why did you do that to him? What did he do to you?"

"He woke up this morning," she snarled. "What right does he have to live?"

"The right any of us has to live! Gods above, Mother, Dad told you to take care of him! He didn't mean to treat him like garbage, to make him feel like shit. It's not Gojyo's fault he's alive!"

"He's a terrible child," Mother shot back. "I told him to clean up the kitchen and he left it a mess! And the bathroom, he promised me he'd clean up the bathroom, and you can go in and take a look at it for yourself. He's so untrustworthy and irresponsible!"

"You broke his arm," Jien gritted out. "What do you expect?"

"Even if he has an ugly human bitch's blood in him, he's still half youkai and he needs to act it!" Mother retorted. "Tsuneji was strong. That disgusting thing is a weakling through and through!"

"Gojyo is stronger than most youkai I know and he'll only get stronger as he grows," Jien told her.

"I don't care what you say, he's weak! Weak! Weak, like a human! I hate that boy!" Mother shouted. "I wish he were dead! I'll kill him myself!"

"You'll kill him over my dead body," Jien growled.

Mother switched tactics, and she tried to sweeten her raspy voice. "You're my only son, Jien, I only love you, you know that. That brat causes so much trouble. Don't make this so hard for us, Jien, just ignore him and we'll be happy together. He's the reason everything's gone so wrong."

"That's quite a bit of blame to assign an eleven year old boy," Jien said sarcastically. "Gods, Mother, do you realize how hard he tries to make you happy? If for one day you could just treat him with the love he deserves--"

The words infuriated her and she screamed, "He doesn't deserve anything from me! I don't owe Kazusa's brat jack shit!"

"Mother--"

"He has to answer for everything he's done wrong! He has to answer for making my life a living hell! He has to do everything I tell him!"

"A god couldn't do the things you force him to!"

"Jien, stop it, just stop it!" Mother started to cry, sobbing loudly. "Why do you have to hurt me like this? You love him more than you love me! I gave birth to you, Jien!"

Jien groaned. "Mother, stop -- gods, Mother, don't cry!"

"You hate me," she wailed.

"No, I don't hate you," Jien tried to say. "But you can't just--"

"You love that half-breed taboo filth more than you love your own mother!"

"That's not true," Jien said desperately. I could hear his control, his edge over the situation, fall apart. I couldn't stand seeing Mother cry, and I knew Jien couldn't either, and I knew Mother knew that perfectly well. I heard him sigh as he gave up the fight for tonight, and I could guess that he'd taken her into his arms. Jien was a gentleman. He couldn't stand seeing anyone in pain.

Mother was right. All the problems in the house were because of me. If I died, Mother wouldn't be unhappy anymore. If I died, Jien wouldn't have to fight this hopeless, exhausting fight every time he came home. I caused the two people in the world whose love and approval I wanted most in the world immeasurable pain and difficulty. If I really loved Jien and Mother, I'd just die.

I shut my eyes before my tears could fall and pulled my knees to my chest. It was all my fault.

I pulled the blue hair-tie out of my hair and let it dangle on my thin wrist. My hair fell around my face, comforting in its familiarity, hiding me. My breath made the crimson strands sway. I lay my head on my knees.

I remembered being back in the ice cream parlor, Jien sitting across from me, telling me about my parents. I remembered feeling safe and happy. I remembered the sweet taste of vanilla on my tongue, and the rest of the world just fell away. I was in a void of vagueness kinder than this harsh reality, and in that void of nothing, I finally fell asleep.


End file.
